Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Thursday, June 12, 2008
She opens it up, and it's a note from a little old lady. The lady says she has never asked anyone for anything in her life but desperately needs $500 to pay her heating and other bills and has nowhere else. She hoped maybe God could send her the money.
It’s around holiday time, so the postal worker decides to take up a collection from her colleagues. She ends up getting $450 and mails the cash to the lady.
A few weeks later, there's another letter addressed to God from the same old woman. The worker opens it up, and it says:
"Dear God, Thank you so much for the money you sent. I helped me through a difficult time, and I'm glad that I had faith. However, I received only $450. It must have been those bastards in the post office!"
Friday, May 30, 2008
Then today the Daily News put out a "PhillyFeed" podcast after Jenice Armstrong and Vance Lehmkuhl interviewed me about the book for I'd say about 12 minutes. The full, unexpurgated recording is here.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day: 30,000 compared to a man's 15,000.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The executioner says to the first one, "You have a choice: you may die either by lethal injection or electric chair."
He chooses lethal injection. The injection is administered and he dies.
The second man is offered the same choice. He selects electric chair. The executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He tries again. Again nothing happens.
"Well," the executioner says, "according to our laws, you made your choice and the punishment was administered, so we are done. You can go free." He goes free.
Then the executioner asks the third man the same question: lethal injection or electric chair.
"I think lethal injection," he says. "The electric chair is obviously broken."
ALTERNATIVE VERSION ALERT: In another version of this joke, it's a priest, a doctor and an engineer who are going under the guillotine. The guillotine malfunctions for priest and then also for the doctor. Because "God has spoken," both are set free. When it's the engineer's turn to place his head on the faulty guillotine, he looks up and says: "Oh, I see the problem!"
They say: "Do the whole family a favor and put an end to Dad’s corny one-liners. This little black book offers more than a hundred alternatives (some G-rated, others requiring earmuffs)."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Three years later, Joe is back in the cabin for another summer retreat. There’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees nothing, then remembers. He looks down -- and there’s the same snail!
The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Handey book is hilarious.
Monday, May 5, 2008
38. Tell a joke. Here's one:
Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to
the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."
That's word-for-word the way it's in the joke book. Actually, it's an old joke, but the above rendering of it is double-familiar. The way it's written in Esquire and in the joke book is exactly the way I edited it for GQ in 1999, when I did a feature, the "Funniest Jokes of All Time." It reads tersely because I had to keep each joke very short.
FOLLOW UP: I figured I had nothing to lose sending an email to Tom Chiarella, who wrote the Esquire "75 skills" package. I said I admire his writing (very true) and laid out the above info. He wrote back -- said he was sorry and understood my frustration. They wanted to do one of the 75 items about telling a joke. An intern got three jokes off the Internet, Chiarella says, and "I chose that one because it was so tightly written -- backdoor kudos I suppose.... In any case, I apologize for the overlap...I hope it seems explainable. " It does.
Friday, April 18, 2008
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat.
"Bad food," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says.
"That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks.
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
"Well," reasons the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get the e-mail."